Friday, April 18, 2008
actually, maybe it has been a bad week. we lost internet connection on tuesday morning. i was not aware of just how connected i am to the World Wide Web. i actually pulled out and used a PAPER dictionary. yes, folks--a real live bound dictionary. it had previously been collecting dust on the shelves in our office.
in a way, it felt good to use it. there is something a little therapeutic about holding a book, even if it's just the dictionary. (at the moment reference books are the only ones i have time to crack.)
our service was restored yesterday around 6:30. the poor verizon guy was here for 8 hours i think, trying to figure things out. (oh, and hooking up verizon fios tv, which apparently rocks--at least my husband thinks so! he was almost weeping with joy when he looked at the tv guide and saw what shows were on demand.)
so today will be more productive, but i'm already off on the wrong foot--bickering with my family members, frustrated by life, and to top it off, my daughter greeted me in bed this morning with, "mommy, sometimes when you wear certain things you look like you are going to have another baby."
now, an ordinary well-balanced mom might just laugh this off. but i have this nagging habit of caring what everyone else around me thinks, to the point of near insanity. and yes, that includes my 6-year-old daughter. so i have been worried about her comment ever since. "do i really look pregnant? maybe i shouldn't wear this sweater anymore. maybe the sit-ups are working, but they are just making my stomach bigger first before it gets really flat."
(yeah right to that 3rd one, but it's my feeble attempt at positive thinking...)
i wonder how many other women really struggle with sizing themselves up against other people. i don't do this in the typical way ("well at least i'm thinner than HER."). at least i don't think i do this. but if i think someone else thinks i look fat or doesn't like my cooking or secretly notices all the piles of dust on my furniture or looks at my garden and thinks i'm not caring for it very well or (and this is a huge one for me) if i think someone else thinks i'm not very smart, well read, or well spoken, i internalize all these things and become a real pouter.
a friend a while back told me that i need to get to the point where i am happy with myself and don't care what others think of me. isn't this easier said than done, though, right? i wonder if i will ever get there. i hope someday, for my peace of mind, that i will.
Posted by kristi at 8:33 AM