Friday, April 18, 2008

bad day

actually, maybe it has been a bad week. we lost internet connection on tuesday morning. i was not aware of just how connected i am to the World Wide Web. i actually pulled out and used a PAPER dictionary. yes, folks--a real live bound dictionary. it had previously been collecting dust on the shelves in our office.

in a way, it felt good to use it. there is something a little therapeutic about holding a book, even if it's just the dictionary. (at the moment reference books are the only ones i have time to crack.)

our service was restored yesterday around 6:30. the poor verizon guy was here for 8 hours i think, trying to figure things out. (oh, and hooking up verizon fios tv, which apparently rocks--at least my husband thinks so! he was almost weeping with joy when he looked at the tv guide and saw what shows were on demand.)

so today will be more productive, but i'm already off on the wrong foot--bickering with my family members, frustrated by life, and to top it off, my daughter greeted me in bed this morning with, "mommy, sometimes when you wear certain things you look like you are going to have another baby."

now, an ordinary well-balanced mom might just laugh this off. but i have this nagging habit of caring what everyone else around me thinks, to the point of near insanity. and yes, that includes my 6-year-old daughter. so i have been worried about her comment ever since. "do i really look pregnant? maybe i shouldn't wear this sweater anymore. maybe the sit-ups are working, but they are just making my stomach bigger first before it gets really flat."

(yeah right to that 3rd one, but it's my feeble attempt at positive thinking...)

i wonder how many other women really struggle with sizing themselves up against other people. i don't do this in the typical way ("well at least i'm thinner than HER."). at least i don't think i do this. but if i think someone else thinks i look fat or doesn't like my cooking or secretly notices all the piles of dust on my furniture or looks at my garden and thinks i'm not caring for it very well or (and this is a huge one for me) if i think someone else thinks i'm not very smart, well read, or well spoken, i internalize all these things and become a real pouter.

a friend a while back told me that i need to get to the point where i am happy with myself and don't care what others think of me. isn't this easier said than done, though, right? i wonder if i will ever get there. i hope someday, for my peace of mind, that i will.


amy said...

i can see right now that you and i need a girls' weekend. wouldn't that be nice? you are so much more wonderful that you give yourself credit for. and before you think that you are too worried about what others think. i worry the same things. i even take it so far to worry that the lady at the register at the quilt shop is going to notice how dry my hands are. what will she think of me? (yesterday) i do think it would be wonderful not to care, but of course there is a healthy balance of the two, right? now only if i can find it...

Amelia Plum said...

The photo is so appropriate for your post, I love it in all its forlorn beauty. I totally relate to every word in your last three paragraphs. Being happy for yourself and not caring what others think is like the riddle of the sphinx to me, don't know if I'll ever get there. But thank you for giving voice so articulately (you're obviously smart) to the struggles you go through. Hope you weekend is a vast improvement from the past few days.

Penny said...

Hi Kristi!! We ALL have those same thoughts!! It's funny, I've been having this ongoing conversations with one of my closest friends. We have come up with the phrase that we are so happy to have a friend (in each other) that would tell us if we "had our skirt in our pantihose". How blessed you are to have a daughter that would tell you, um, mommy, don't wear that, it doesn't flatter you, you are so much more pretty than that dress or shirt or whatever it is. I, personally, would rather have someone hand me a piece of gum than unknowingly terrorize everyone with my breath all day. We are all marred containers, and when we let the light inside us shine through our marred container, it will expose our flaws. Let your light shine through anyway! Penny