Friday, November 13, 2009

free-fallin'


first of all, i just have to say i think the post about my cowl grabbed the most comments i've ever had on one post: NINE. wow! i feel very loved. thank you everyone who left a note. it makes me feel like a 2nd grader who's waiting on valentines in her decorated paper bag, and then opening each one and savoring every word on each one. they pretty much all say "i heart kristi." so thank you!

so i had my first official day off in a long time yesterday. so long i can't remember, actually. by "day off," i don't really mean taking a break, or playing or having fun. i do that sometimes just because i have to to stay sane (or because aedan won't stop bugging me to build a tank puzzle with him...yeah, don't ask.)

but yesterday, it hit me that i had just finished a book the day before and didn't have anything else lined up to work on.

i dropped the kids off at school, and rhys and i proceeded to go to...wait for it...the GYM, where he actually was compliant enough to play in the NURSERY while i worked out. (today we did the same thing, and i got told when i was leaving "that was a fast workout." thanks a lot, YMCA worker. way to encourage me.)

while i was working out, i was having these thoughts like, "wow, this is what it must feel like to be a rich mom who can have her kids in daycare and just do whatever she wants all day." truly, i can't imagine what that is like. nor do i really want to. but for those 30 minutes, it was thrilling.

then we ran errands, ate scones from s'bucks, and got home in time for rhys to take a stellar nap, during which time i surfed FB and started another knitting project (this time, a scarf, with rust-colored yarn i had originally purchased for the cowl, and doing the same moss stitch--already looks fab and promise to post pics when it's done!). i watched a movie--without the computer in my lap trying to edit chapters while i peeked at the tv now and then (yes, i do this...shhh, don't tell the publishers i work for.)

sometime during all this, i felt a weight lift from my shoulders. but then, later in the day, it was back on, like one of those x-ray gowns you have to wear to protect your ovaries from the radiation. you know the ones?

so per my nightly routine of lying in bed after i should be fast asleep, allowing my heart to race, panicking about all the stressful, frustrating things in my life or my (always) giant to-do list, i started writing this blog.

now, i have to stop and say that, at night, when i'm in bed, these thoughts are WAY better than they are the next day when i finally get around to writing them down. i think of the best descriptions, details, funny thoughts, metaphors. i should buy a cheap laptop and just leave it next to me at night so i will be more inclined to write it all down then and maybe it would all make more sense.

but i digress. (see what i mean? that wouldn't have been in there if i'd written this last night.) i started thinking about why i feel so uncomfortable with being in a good place.

what i mean is, when things are going relatively well in my life, i don't have any jobs to work on (or maybe i do but there's no pressure to do them right away), the kids are loving on me, rick and i are getting along (maybe even looking forward to an upcoming weekend away in NYC? hello!), i initially feel great, and then i start getting this feeling like i'm falling. like maybe i've just dived off a cliff, and i'm reaching out as i fall, trying to grab onto tree limbs, rocks, twigs, weeds, whatever i can reach to stop this feeling of falling. except there's no parachute, no umbrella a la mary poppins.

when i'm stressed, overworked, grouchy, in a not so great place, i feel like i'm grounded.

and this, folks, is not healthy. i know this. i just don't know how to fix it. or maybe it's not that it needs to be fixed but that i just need practice allowing myself to give myself a break. (can i use "myself" twice like that? you get what i mean. i hope.)

someone recently told me i need to develop thicker skin. ok, my response to that is a resounding YES! but i also think i need to do this related to myself. which is a weird thing to think about, but i think it might work for me. cut myself some slack. yes, i think i could go for that.

free-fallin'. maybe i'll just relax, take the downs as they come, and try to start embracing the ups.

wish me luck!


p.s. that top photo is of my suitcase i mentioned a while back, which i don't think i will ever be traveling with, because it's too freaking heavy. so much for vintage style. and notice the boots? i got those at ruche, a fantastic online shopping site where everything reminds me of anthro except WAY affordable. they are so comfortable and i hope to live in them the whole time we are gone. speaking of which, we are leaving next tuesday evening (headed north to Va. then leaving for the Big Apple on thursday), so have fun while i'm away, and i'll be sure to tell you all about it when i return!

5 comments:

karin said...

Maybe you just need more practice...more days off, more good kid days, more good spouse days...I know I do. And, maybe you will get more practice while in NYC and come back totally rejuvenated!

RDF said...

Kristi,

If you're looking for lots of responses, never underestimate the power of something simple like squash discussions. Remember the fever last fall? I still credit it with Obama's election.

Blessings,

Ron

Amelia Plum said...

kristi, i'm so with you in that boat of feeling grounded when you're literally weighed down with responsibilities but that once you have the weight off your shoulders it can cause panic, i think you describe it much better though. i agree with what karin says about possibly needing more practice with the good stuff. hope you're able to thoroughly enjoy yourself with the scary free fallin feeling in nyc. i love the pic with your post too, great angle

amy said...

thanks for posting those boots...that are now out of stock!

elise said...

Kristi! I too suffer from good-times panic. It helps to know it won't last, and you'll feel grounded in the craptasticness in no time. Maybe because our minds (egos) always want a problem to solve and when there aren't any it becomes an existential dilemma. Maybe we can lean into the bottomless nothing-to-do landscape together. And speaking of together...