Wednesday, January 27, 2010

etc.


i've been debating over whether to even write this blog post. i've been feeling very uninspired lately. or, as i just told a friend, i'm feeling inspired, but then every time i write a blog post in my head i talk myself out of posting it.

i've sort of started feeling lately like i'm overexposed. or raw. and i think that comes from letting it all hang out here, without really getting that reciprocal action like i get when i'm talking and sharing one on one with other people.

don't get me wrong, i love the comments and encouragement i get here. but then i sometimes feel like a sideshow, like people are looking here to see what kinds of crazy things i'm going to write about next.

i finished up the last of the jobs on my schedule last thursday, and i haven't had work since then. which is supposed to be great, right? i'm always complaining about how i don't have enough time to breathe, i'm overwhelmed, i can't handle wearing so many hats at once.

then, the second i have a break, i think it allows me to look around (and look inside) and start thinking about all the things in my life i let slide or ignore while i'm working so hard. like, for instance, i want a new couch, and now that i have the time i am obsessing about how i can't buy a new couch, i really want a new couch, what color would i like my new couch to be.

or i think, oh crap, our house is so disorganized and in need of a deep clean. things i don't even see when i'm working so much.

or i start noticing all the things about myself i want to change (for starters, to be able to fit back into all my awesomely fashionable pre-Rhys clothes i have hanging in my closet).

or i think, ok, now is my chance to (e.g.) organize all the kids' artwork that is stored in plastic containers under their beds. so i go to the office supply store, get the things i need to do it, and then the stuff just sits in the living room, taunting me, while i type this blog post. :)

so really, i think my problem is that i'm sort of co-dependent on that overwhelmed feeling i have when i have too much work to do. or maybe it's that i don't know how to relax, enjoy my time off, because i don't really have that much of it.

my friend sylvia passed away yesterday morning (and i'm trying to work up the nerve to write an entire post about her but the minute i type her name i get teary), and the most important thing i want to take away from what she taught me is to quit being so hard on myself. i want to honor her memory by trying to do that.

so we'll see.

4 comments:

jen said...

Haven't been to your blog in forever. Haven't been to anyone's blogs in forever. I had no idea about your friend. I'm so sorry. I am so completely inaccessible right now it disgusts me. Let me know if you are available next weekend because with the insanity of this weekend I don't have enough control over the agenda to see everyone I want to xoxo

elise said...

I love the idea of honoring someone's memory in such a way. Maybe it's easier to be kind to ourselves on the behalf of someone else. you will find out. so glad to read your post! I know I've said this before but I identify! headsnakes emerge in idle times. hope blogging felt good. maybe it's a way to be kind and honor your friend. xo

Elissa said...

Dahling, you're not alone! I've felt the same way many times. It's funny. I was thinking, roughly, along the same lines yesterday (concerning momentum, or lack thereof). Perhaps it might encourage? I'm not sure...

http://web.me.com/elissaelliott/Elliott/Blog/Entries/2010/1/27_Momentum.html

Sending you kisses, and I'm sending you hugs for your heart during this sad time.

xo,

elissa

Amelia Plum said...

i'm so sorry to hear about your friend sylvia passing away. but i agree with what elise said, maybe it is easier to be kind to yourself on behalf of your friend. kristi i identify with so much of what you write. and it can be really tough being pulled so many ways and not being able to relax when that precious time comes to you. just know that it's okay to feel those things (although i think those that know you, even if it's only through your blog, see so much goodness and honesty in you) and you're not alone! xox