i've been debating over whether to even write this blog post. i've been feeling very uninspired lately. or, as i just told a friend, i'm feeling inspired, but then every time i write a blog post in my head i talk myself out of posting it.
i've sort of started feeling lately like i'm overexposed. or raw. and i think that comes from letting it all hang out here, without really getting that reciprocal action like i get when i'm talking and sharing one on one with other people.
don't get me wrong, i love the comments and encouragement i get here. but then i sometimes feel like a sideshow, like people are looking here to see what kinds of crazy things i'm going to write about next.
i finished up the last of the jobs on my schedule last thursday, and i haven't had work since then. which is supposed to be great, right? i'm always complaining about how i don't have enough time to breathe, i'm overwhelmed, i can't handle wearing so many hats at once.
then, the second i have a break, i think it allows me to look around (and look inside) and start thinking about all the things in my life i let slide or ignore while i'm working so hard. like, for instance, i want a new couch, and now that i have the time i am obsessing about how i can't buy a new couch, i really want a new couch, what color would i like my new couch to be.
or i think, oh crap, our house is so disorganized and in need of a deep clean. things i don't even see when i'm working so much.
or i start noticing all the things about myself i want to change (for starters, to be able to fit back into all my awesomely fashionable pre-Rhys clothes i have hanging in my closet).
or i think, ok, now is my chance to (e.g.) organize all the kids' artwork that is stored in plastic containers under their beds. so i go to the office supply store, get the things i need to do it, and then the stuff just sits in the living room, taunting me, while i type this blog post. :)
so really, i think my problem is that i'm sort of co-dependent on that overwhelmed feeling i have when i have too much work to do. or maybe it's that i don't know how to relax, enjoy my time off, because i don't really have that much of it.
my friend sylvia passed away yesterday morning (and i'm trying to work up the nerve to write an entire post about her but the minute i type her name i get teary), and the most important thing i want to take away from what she taught me is to quit being so hard on myself. i want to honor her memory by trying to do that.
so we'll see.