i've been absent here more and more lately. giving myself longer and longer stretches without visiting. without visiting others' blogs (except my few favorites). i am feeling quite angsty lately about the whole e-world.
it could be that i've been burning my candle at both proverbial ends. or, if it's possible for a candle to have 8 ends, like maybe an octagonally shaped one, that would be me. i've been working long, long hours, mothering children home from school for the summer (and not doing a great job at it), trying to make sure my house doesn't become completely disgusting, plus traveling.
oh, the traveling part sounds fun to you? well, in theory it always is. i mean, it's so lovely to go places and see people i haven't seen in years. and they are probably all reading, which makes me feel guilty for making it sound like a chore at all. because in some ways, this summer has been a time of encouragement. i have been able to sit across the table from people and have coffee (or margaritas) and talk face to face with dear friends (and a sister) i haven't seen in a long time.
in other ways, though, the summer is the time when i seem to fall down a black hole. everything is out of whack. my schedule is off. my parenting skills (what few i have) go right out the window. i lose it every turn with my kids. we all have cabin fever. after all, our summer is your winter. in summer here, look in the weekend section, and there is NOTHING to do. i mean, nothing. who would want to, what with the mosquitoes, hurricanes, and flying roaches? summertime is when floridians get that grumpy face that new yorkers have all winter long.
and usually i have a dry spell with work. not this summer, though. so on top of managing my black hole experience, i have been juggling the greatest workload i've had in a very long time. and, as it so often goes, when i'm workingworkingworking, i tell myself, "this is for a new sofa. this is for spending money in boston. (ok, that might have been true!) this is for a new mattress for our bedroom."
but then at the end of the day, i look and say, wow, it didn't really work out that way, did it?
so how can a person be so filled up from people who love her pouring themselves in (thank you, kellie, sunnye, brooke, sara, shannon, jennifer) and simultaneously feel very empty?
i have hesitated coming to this space because frankly i haven't felt like being very vulnerable. and inevitably, when i start to write, this is what comes out. i think it's why when i'm feeling this way i avoid people. which is why this friday i'm throwing a party with a guest list of 100... maybe i can hide in the kitchen. :)
is this what motherhood is like? or just growing older and stagnating, not doing anything about it?
i don't have any real witty or charming way to end this post, so i will leave you with some of my favorite pictures from our visit to boston. i took more pictures when we got back to winston-salem to stay with my sister for the week, but those aren't edited yet. so i promise i'll be back to share those at some point (and maybe even spare you the grumbly attitude).
zakin bridge in boston
shingles of kellie's house :)
in salem, MA
rick looking cute before the arcade fire show in boston
hospital point lighthouse, beverly, MA
my friend kellie. isn't she gorgeous?
a parking meter in downtown beverly
through the window of the hospital point lighthouse
our scene as we ate lunch in rockport, MA
arcade fire, which put on one of the best shows i've ever been to. i jumped, i screamed, i teared up, i raised my hands. it was more than amazing.