Tuesday, August 10, 2010

what's goin' on

i've been absent here more and more lately. giving myself longer and longer stretches without visiting. without visiting others' blogs (except my few favorites). i am feeling quite angsty lately about the whole e-world.

it could be that i've been burning my candle at both proverbial ends. or, if it's possible for a candle to have 8 ends, like maybe an octagonally shaped one, that would be me. i've been working long, long hours, mothering children home from school for the summer (and not doing a great job at it), trying to make sure my house doesn't become completely disgusting, plus traveling.

oh, the traveling part sounds fun to you? well, in theory it always is. i mean, it's so lovely to go places and see people i haven't seen in years. and they are probably all reading, which makes me feel guilty for making it sound like a chore at all. because in some ways, this summer has been a time of encouragement. i have been able to sit across the table from people and have coffee (or margaritas) and talk face to face with dear friends (and a sister) i haven't seen in a long time.

in other ways, though, the summer is the time when i seem to fall down a black hole. everything is out of whack. my schedule is off. my parenting skills (what few i have) go right out the window. i lose it every turn with my kids. we all have cabin fever. after all, our summer is your winter. in summer here, look in the weekend section, and there is NOTHING to do. i mean, nothing. who would want to, what with the mosquitoes, hurricanes, and flying roaches? summertime is when floridians get that grumpy face that new yorkers have all winter long.

and usually i have a dry spell with work. not this summer, though. so on top of managing my black hole experience, i have been juggling the greatest workload i've had in a very long time. and, as it so often goes, when i'm workingworkingworking, i tell myself, "this is for a new sofa. this is for spending money in boston. (ok, that might have been true!) this is for a new mattress for our bedroom."

but then at the end of the day, i look and say, wow, it didn't really work out that way, did it?

so how can a person be so filled up from people who love her pouring themselves in (thank you, kellie, sunnye, brooke, sara, shannon, jennifer) and simultaneously feel very empty?

i have hesitated coming to this space because frankly i haven't felt like being very vulnerable. and inevitably, when i start to write, this is what comes out. i think it's why when i'm feeling this way i avoid people. which is why this friday i'm throwing a party with a guest list of 100... maybe i can hide in the kitchen. :)

is this what motherhood is like? or just growing older and stagnating, not doing anything about it?

i don't have any real witty or charming way to end this post, so i will leave you with some of my favorite pictures from our visit to boston. i took more pictures when we got back to winston-salem to stay with my sister for the week, but those aren't edited yet. so i promise i'll be back to share those at some point (and maybe even spare you the grumbly attitude).

zakin bridge in boston

shingles of kellie's house :)

in salem, MA

rick looking cute before the arcade fire show in boston

my friend kellie. isn't she gorgeous?

a parking meter in downtown beverly

through the window of the hospital point lighthouse

our scene as we ate lunch in rockport, MA

arcade fire, which put on one of the best shows i've ever been to. i jumped, i screamed, i teared up, i raised my hands. it was more than amazing.


Elise Abrams Miller said...

oh thank GOODNESS! Not only do I relate to so much of what you wrote, but the pictures are beautiful. I feel inspired anew to write from the heart like you just did. thank you for making this night a little less lonely!

Anonymous said...

i love your vulnerability:) --danny p.

jen said...

Hey. Can't wait for your party. I'll hide in the kitchen wit ya. I'm not gonna be capable of much witty gab. ;} xx miss ya

Jennifer said...

You are a better mom and friend on your worst day than most of us are on our best.

sew nancy said...

I think most people have a hard time with a whole lot less on the plate.
The pictures are really nice.
A party for a 100? Wow. Amazing.

Amy said...

I hope our visit was one of the good ones and not too overwhelming. It was so good to see you. Michael and I were talking after you left about how great your kids are. Really, you should know that they are a amazing so you must be doing something right :)

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Gorgeous photos. And I feel you, sister. I sure do. And I think it is the mommy-of-littles thing. And the end of summer thing. Be really? 100 people? Insanity. :)

Amelia Plum said...

a party of 100?! oh my, i hope you survived it. well i also hope you thoroughly enjoyed yourself on top of just surviving it. i love the new banner picture. the photos from your trip are lovely too. you've got a great eye. and a very kind open heart

Brittney said...

I find it interesting that you and I were polar opposites 15 years ago, yet your words could've come from my typing fingers. I get it. I know it must be strange that I read your blog after all this time. But I do. And I love the vulnerability and honesty that comes out.

kristi said...

thank you everyone for the encouragement. it really helps to have positive feedback when i'm feeling like i'm really not winning some days.

brittney, i don't feel like we were polar opposites! you were just really young. :) and i'm happy you read here.

karin said...

I wish I could just copy/paste this into my blog, but that would be so unorginal. You have put into words exactly how I feel and why I haven't blogged and done it 100 times better than I could have. I know we are our biggest critics and you are in no way fishing for this, but I think you are a great mom and one that I look up to mostly because you are real, honest and not secretive about your shortcomings or challenges. It makes me feel more normal. I love you friend.